I Give Up

  I am sick of those people who are staring at me, judging me for being myself, for being honest, for telling the truth even when it hurts, for being real when most of them still living in some illusion that won’t end….I’m sick of you…I’m sick of your stupidity...all what I want is to be your friend, your sister, not your patient, stop playing the shrink with me…I hate when I feel like I have to explain everything to you, why I did this and this..Why I said this and not this…can’t you just understand…Stop it…Do you want to know why I speak loudly cos we people are not used to listen, cos we people are programmed to pay attention only when we yell to each other…why do you want me to lie to you??? Or should I use your famous word “Nezha you have to be Diplomatic, can’t you see? That’s how things work” I’ll tell you something “I GIVE UP”…sorry for the vocabulary.

I am a Future Doctor

   When I was a student in high school, I made a choice, I wanted to be an engineer, why is that?? Cos engineering is made for geniuses, Cos after  five years of studying they’ll get to start their careers and lives, Cos they make a lot of money...Well this is not only me saying that, our friends are saying that, our parents  are saying that…and reality is proving it. But (I won’t say unfortunately) luckily I had no choice, the  FMPM(the faculty of medicine and pharmacy of Marrakech )was the only one that had accepted me to be one of her students,  and suddenly I’m finding myself looking at the mirror asking  it:  “Am I going to be a Doctor???”   I actually didn’t know how deep this question is, I didn’t know that the right answer wasn’t “Yes” or “No”.

   First year wasn’t easy, new places, new people, new thoughts… My only concern was to attend classes, take exams, and finally to success in the end of the year, well there is no shame thinking this way, but it shows that I am like a lot of us scared to get out of my shell, to show people that I’m a creative person……

   After month and month, I recognized that I’m a just an useless person, a very lazy one, with a limited vision, I couldn’t see myself doing something else than reading for exams while a lot of students are spending their time on diverse activities, SHAME ON ME ……. 

(To be continued ….)

 

???

  Coming in the chamber number two to see if I have a new patient to examine, because as usual in this stage of our training in the hospital we need to prepare what we call medical observation, well my new patient was an old lady in her fifties, I said: “Salam, how you doing today”, she answered: “well good, I thank Allah”, then I started my interrogation: the ID “what’s your name madam? How old are you? Where are you from? What do you do? Do you have kids?” well she answered my entire questions except the one has to do with kids, she said “I have my brothers’ kids, my neighbor’s kids” and she laughed, “No, I mean your kids madam”, with a big smile “I’m not married, sweety”.

  She was smiling all the time and making jokes; in fact she’s funny, but she has this strange look ... And behind her jokes and that smiling face there was a sad woman, is it because she didn’t have the chance to experience the feeling of being a wife , a mother…or is it because she ended alone……?

Words

I really miss being a kid, I miss the games we played, I miss that feeling of freedom, that sensation of comfort, but most that ability to dream and to create my own world with my own rules. When we were kids we could execute every single idea that comes to our minds, suddenly everything seems easy to be made. But with time we lost that gift or maybe we killed it, and we killed our dreams and souls with it. We decided that we’re nothing, we decided to do nothing. I know each one of us has a dream or maybe dreams and I believe that we can make them come true if we only look deep for that kid we’re carrying with us. They asked me: “if you have a wish what would be?” I answered: “well I wish I can make a positive change in the world”, when I answered that question, I didn’t know how, when or where, then I came to this place, and I met very beautiful people, friends I wouldn’t dream of, who welcomed me in their family, they are very different from each other but they have something in common “brave and big hearts”, I worked with them and I’ve seen the joy in their faces when they accomplish something or help someone. And there is something they are not aware of they helped me to make my dream come true.

So my friends, brothers and sisters thank you so much

                                                                             

27.11.2011

 I couldn’t forget these numbers, they remind me to thank god every day, hour, minute and second for his favors, to thank him for the family, house, clothes, health and everything.

 27.11.2011, we visited a place that made me feel blessed, and opened my eyes to a lot of facts. The fact that I have parents who take care of me, when “others” wait and wait for weeks, months or even years for someone to come and visit them, the fact that I have a house, a very comfortable bed, a soft pillow when “others” are sleeping in the ground, feeling cold, dreaming of that one warm blanket. The fact that I eat delicious meals every day when “others” know only the taste of that piece of bread….

One old man, I may say he’s good looking, very clean compared to the “others”, sitting very quietly in a front of that door; he looked sad, very sad, first I thought: “well perhaps, he doesn’t like this place witch I absolutely understand”, there is nothing interesting in it, no hygiene measures, food is like… I don’t know…vomit, I didn’t see the food but at least it’s how I felt when I saw the kitchen, it was horrible like those crimes sites we see in movies… ok back to our man, we came close to him then we started talking with him, he was a chef back in the USA, for more than twenty years, and I remember he said he worked for a while in Italy …..And because he got in a fight with someone at work they fired him, and he decided to come back here in Morocco, especially Marrakech where he tried to work as a tourist guide…. He hurt his knee and he became jobless, homeless and you know the end of the story, he finished in “that place”. You can’t tell if he’s saying the truth or not but who cares the man had a life before but now …..I asked him about his family, he answered: “well my parents died”, and that’s it, I don’t remember him talking about brothers or sisters, cousins….. “I lived alone” he said.

If I learned something in this visit it would be trying to be happy with my life and have a good endingJ.

Amzmiz

Great friends I did meet

Lovely people gave me faith

That a big smile can create

An amazing world

It can't be described with words

A world where love and friendship has a meaning

Where everyone can tell his feelings

Where the truth is the only thing that counts

I've been there

And for once I didn't care

How I have to act

Because in fact

You were and still the greatest friends for me

  

Those were my words describing my feelings towards people I am part of their big family, with whom I shared great and unforgettable moments. They had an effect on my life; starting with the crazy one to the wise one. I still hear their jokes, laughs and conversations. I still remember him and him and him steeling my food. They become part of me, and I’m not sure if it’s the same for them. I know they all have place in my heart, and I’m not sure if I have a place in theirs.

 My story started in a very small ordinary place that became after three days the best place I had ever visited in my life. Three days far from the real world, three days in the land of magic, full of love roses, a river of pure and true feelings,  mountains of passion and perseverance, old and young trees of old and new friendships. We were like birds flying on the sky, feeling the real freedom, promising that nothing will stop us from reaching our goals. 

 Well, reading this you would say "this girl was dreaming" maybe I was, but it was a very beautiful dream for sure.my story started but it didn't finish yet.